Illusion

How I wish that was you. You would come to me and say hi lets go somewhere to spend time together

Want

I dont know what I want. Every fucking time. Always like that. I would ask people around me what should I do, basically asking advice but I would solely take it without even thinking or asking myself : what I want in my own life? Including about my career and the worst is the love of my life.

But slowly, I try to understand myself. And I feel sorry for myself, I wasnt given the full attention to myself. I don't even know what I like to eat, what did I do when I got mentally breakdown, what did I love to do just to kill time. I can say that, I am a stranger to myself. Perhaps, that time Im focusing loving someone else instead of loving myself.

I start small, by what kind of food that I like and love so much. What kind of food thats gonna ruin my body and health. What kind of food that I hate. What kind of places I want to go. What would I do when theres a situation like this-- imma setting my own protocol or so call personality. I'm defining myself and how should I react for certain situations. I'm setting my priorities, ranking things I should do and etc.

The important things I've learnt, I always appreciate something when it comes to the end. When something good happen, I always get sad figure out that this wouldnt last forever. Forever is short period for me. Imma such negative person. I would listen to sad songs even if something good happened, then be gloomy all day long. Perhaps, I need to change my ways of thinking-- be optimistic.

As I knowing myself, I know that I hate changes. I like to stay the same as it is even if that would be outdated. I guess I got this from my father. And, I know now what I want. But somehow, it is hard to get it. I dont want even try to get it now because i want to be selfish just this one time-- I want to build my career then I would make a move for what I want to be mine. For good.

BUT MYBE IM JUST LIKE THAT YO KNOW ASKING OTHERS OPINION TO MAKE MY DECISIONS AND THEN LATER ON I FUCKING REGRET IT DAMNIT

Starstruck

I cannot believe it myself. After all this years, I still be able to feel various of feelings. Everything mixed up. It started with the pain of the thoughts that impossible to be with you, all the memories that tear me apart until to the realisation that i'm still in love with u && also-- for some seconds-- I missing you so bad till my heart hurts. Really missing you. Hoping that you could feel the same. After that, I dont feel any sadness and pain anymore. I am okay. But, not be able to have you by my side kinda sucks.

Thats was my thoughts when I was at Bukit Ampang. As I enjoying the beautiful lights from the busy city, I can't stop thinking about you. Now, I know what I wanted but decided to not do anything about it. 'Cause I know, I would not be focus at my studies and keep wanting to see you and etc. I can't even asked you to waiting for me (but I do want you to wait for me) and for that, I'm frustrated. Perhaps, I can never let you go after all these years.