Illusion

How I wish that was you. You would come to me and say hi lets go somewhere to spend time together

Want

I dont know what I want. Every fucking time. Always like that. I would ask people around me what should I do, basically asking advice but I would solely take it without even thinking or asking myself : what I want in my own life? Including about my career and the worst is the love of my life.

But slowly, I try to understand myself. And I feel sorry for myself, I wasnt given the full attention to myself. I don't even know what I like to eat, what did I do when I got mentally breakdown, what did I love to do just to kill time. I can say that, I am a stranger to myself. Perhaps, that time Im focusing loving someone else instead of loving myself.

I start small, by what kind of food that I like and love so much. What kind of food thats gonna ruin my body and health. What kind of food that I hate. What kind of places I want to go. What would I do when theres a situation like this-- imma setting my own protocol or so call personality. I'm defining myself and how should I react for certain situations. I'm setting my priorities, ranking things I should do and etc.

The important things I've learnt, I always appreciate something when it comes to the end. When something good happen, I always get sad figure out that this wouldnt last forever. Forever is short period for me. Imma such negative person. I would listen to sad songs even if something good happened, then be gloomy all day long. Perhaps, I need to change my ways of thinking-- be optimistic.

As I knowing myself, I know that I hate changes. I like to stay the same as it is even if that would be outdated. I guess I got this from my father. And, I know now what I want. But somehow, it is hard to get it. I dont want even try to get it now because i want to be selfish just this one time-- I want to build my career then I would make a move for what I want to be mine. For good.

BUT MYBE IM JUST LIKE THAT YO KNOW ASKING OTHERS OPINION TO MAKE MY DECISIONS AND THEN LATER ON I FUCKING REGRET IT DAMNIT

Starstruck

I cannot believe it myself. After all this years, I still be able to feel various of feelings. Everything mixed up. It started with the pain of the thoughts that impossible to be with you, all the memories that tear me apart until to the realisation that i'm still in love with u && also-- for some seconds-- I missing you so bad till my heart hurts. Really missing you. Hoping that you could feel the same. After that, I dont feel any sadness and pain anymore. I am okay. But, not be able to have you by my side kinda sucks.

Thats was my thoughts when I was at Bukit Ampang. As I enjoying the beautiful lights from the busy city, I can't stop thinking about you. Now, I know what I wanted but decided to not do anything about it. 'Cause I know, I would not be focus at my studies and keep wanting to see you and etc. I can't even asked you to waiting for me (but I do want you to wait for me) and for that, I'm frustrated. Perhaps, I can never let you go after all these years.

Bad Things

When i got upset, i always want to tell anyone thats cross my mind. I would like to share the upset moment so that i can be less upset. Perhaps, I may forget that shits moment. Same goes when I was so sad. I need someone to tell so I know I wasnt alone to face this. So that, I wont have the useless thoughts ie cut my wrist so I bleed or just commit suicide bcs the pressure too high.

But theres some time, that person who made me upset have their time to make me smile till my cheeks hurts. Theres some time, that person who made me sad got me laugh my heart out for their stupid jokes. And these good moments usually I keep within myself.

I hate to be in the middle of people. I hate to choose. Sometimes I have the thoughts that, perhaps I should keep everything inside so that I will never be this bad situation. Perhaps, shared my stories aint bring good for me after all.

I'm sorry. Theres so much happen in head. Im not well.

Acceptance

Hi.

I've been in trouble a lot with my studies. I mean, so many failures. I can bravely (& some arrogant) say that I was a bright student. I was no 3 in the class in the primary school but then I wasn't that bright as I grow older. In secondary school, my pointers were that great (because just one or two semesters below 3.5) fucking smart aite? but like I said, I wasn't that bright as I grow older.

The failure started when I got a single different grade for my SPM result. And like always, I feel nothing about it. I can even smile nearly laughed because I knew how I answered that subject for paper 3 and its fucking hilarious. I knew none about that experiment and I literally making out the experiment like primary school experiment hahahah what.the.fuck (it was SPM and I that dumb HAHA) but after all, my result doesn't that bad alhamdulillah

Im that fucking selfish girl because I always blame the other reasons for my failures like "I just broke up, I tried but I can barely think straight" or "this is not what I want to further my studies, this is not my choice for my career as the same as I am that good child who listen whats my parents want for myself and I cannot pick others or I will die"

AND I DIDNT FUCKING SEE THAT THE ACTUAL PROBLEM IS FUCKING MYSELF. I do have the choice, I have the power to control myself, I have the power to direct myself to the places I want to be. But, I was too careless and dumb. I always listen to others wants instead of mine. So if I failed, I blame the others. What.The.Heck. -_-

I listen to others because I don't know what I want. I'm following the flowing water because I got no places to go to live my life. So now, I need to change my mentally. I need to accept that this is what I choose to be in the future. This is my career. This is gonna be my forever life either I like it or not. I choose to be accountant. I have to accept this. My failures are because of me. And I cannot stay this way. I need to wake up and go forward. I need goals in life. And now, I need someone to be in life, before it is too late.

I need to change in order to succeed. Dearself, you can do this. You are awesome :)

Heartbroken.

Heartbroken for me now is the realisation to let go someone that more do harm than good and the memories keep feeding the pain since that dream. This heartbroken is slowly killing. This heartbroken is so painful. Heartbroken for me now, is letting you go. For good.

But that heartbroken not as bad as me being the middle man who would be the causes of the fights then goes to separations then i am the one who bare all the costs.

People do change. But I know, there is some characteristic never change. That is, want so much more but never appreciate what you had & for example, Cheating.

Heart vs Brain

Hi.
After I spent a lot time with myself, one thing that I discovered was I made my decisions based on my heart. Just like the song "the heart get what it wants". Heart never care the consequences, heart never think, heart never learn from mistakes, heart always do whatever heart wants including destroying heart's host. As long as heart find one tiny reason even if unacceptable, heart will go for it without doubt.

And of course, I'm the one who suffered. Repeating the same mistakes, giving the chances for the one who dont ever fucking deserved it. But I do, happy for the temporary together. So many plans, but none is done. The imaginations itself do give me some joy, even the slightest. Its a shame that it has to end like this again. I pictured something bigger than this but maybe this is the best for both of us.

My heart still aching and difficult to accept the reality. People changed. I almost feel nothing at all. I forget things including the fact that I have been left for the third times. I just realised how stupid to give chances for you, I thought that you will be worth it. I really need to get away from you,
get away my feelings for you, get away from the thoughts that youre perfect for me. My love for you too hard to be  proven, I gave you everything but still you never appreciate what ive done for you. You throw me away. You throw my love. You throw me when I need you the most, and this is very unforgivable. I need you so bad that night, I cried alone.

Do I ever let you down? If I did, then I am sorry. Me worse showing my expressions, my words are bold, trusting you again consumed so much time till I made you left again. I feel like crying now. Never think that the love is still there, still wanting you to be part of me. But loving someone doesn't mean, I can have you in my arms right?

I need to give up this now. I need to stop giving heart so much power. I need to make a rasionale decisions. Lesson need to be learnt. Actually, all I want is to be just be friend with you. But it doesn't end well, I fall right back into you once you showed the efforts. I guess I need to be more careful and less "kesian".

But last night. I retweeted this "see you tonight in my dream x goodnight". And I did dream of you. You did came in my dream. I woke up with the ache and wonder why you were there. In my dream, you were treated like I wasn't there. But I know, you do see me there. Maybe that is a sign that, you will never come back ever again. Then, maybe this is the best thing because I know if you pleading me again to be yours again, I will, definitely forgive you and giving you a chance that you doesn't appreciate. If you truly love me, the most terrifying thing is losing me. You won't recklessly wasted the chances. You are a liar, I was never your first love that you wanted in your life. Fuck. I am fucked up. Again.

And my worst fear come. The fear of that one change that would effected me for my whole life. The changes that I don't even know I could handle it by myself. Because I am alone, and fucking scared.