unfortunate

I don't understand how did the memories keep popped out more often now. Like it was happen yesterday. The memories seems to be freshly paste at my mind. It becomes critical when I realised that every time I wake up and going to bed, that damn same person shows up. What the hell happen to me? Cut the craps "when you remember that person, they're remembering you too". I don't believe I miss him, thats ridiculous. I don't believe anything about love. Maybe, Im not understand what is happiness what is a real love. Sometimes watching fairytales do not help in order to understand what is love.

Letting go isn't love. If you can't live without that person, then why do you dare to let 'em go with others and yet still can living live like you used to. Maybe, living half alive but at the end, you'll survived. Sound weird to me when it's been clash with this thought. 

Why try to holding on to someone lost the love you loved the most? Let them find their happiness even if you're not one of them, it is that fucking love? 

My december this year is a peaceful but my heart and head are collide, they weren't agree to each other about love. And it's so messed me up. I feel like I should not shred a tear for useless emotions. Urgh fuck all this. Maybe love, I'll pass.



I really hate this.

how much?

How much do you think?
How much do you know someone?
How much they being true about themselves?
How much they speak the truths?
So, how much?

How much do you think?
How much did you trust someone?
How much did you let your pride been ripped off?
How much did you hurts yourself?
How much did you tell lie to yourself?

Let me tell a story.

When I was a kid, my siblings didn't like me so much.
Our age are quite a distance. When I was learning to speak, they already capable to understand things. Maybe that's the reason I never feel protected or loved but only feel like left out, abandoned. I only have my mother, thank god at least I have someone who let me understand what's a family about.

I grew, entered a primary school; some of them didn't like me so much.
There's a clique who were too concern about me, reporting everything I did to the teachers. I had three closed friends, but one of them got transferred to new school then suddenly I became alone. (yes, I was abandoned again) living another 4 year, alone without any close friends.

Then, secondary school, a boarding school. My first year at there, was shits. Some of them also didn't like me so much. I do had some close friends, but one day they all were gone for a camping and I was left behind. That time, I've been ignored by all my classmate because of my behavior (so you guys can say that I'm piece of shit) Then, I discovered that there's a liar said shits to me but act like an angel in front of the others. I remembered it till now. The day that everyone put the blame on me; for things I didn't do.

5 years goes by, I entered college. My first year, also sucks. Been put away from the clique but treat me like I m one of theirs. Harsh.

But all the above is a past and they should stay where they should be, in the past.
I have a bad luck right? Do I got your sympathy now? Do you believe everything I said?
What if now I say that, they are all a lie. I just create a story about my life.
Will you now believe me now?
How much you regret by believing those nightmare-made stories?
Will you hate me now?
Will you never believe on every word I say after this?

How much you really know someone?
Does their words are true or just a perfect lies?
How much?
After all, it is your own decision to trust me again or not.
It is your own decision to believe what is right or wrong.

Priority

Hi. 

So I just have this thought about priority, concerning about my private life (i.e lovers bestfriend family)

I always think that I put others feeling more than mine as if I wasn't that important to them even if I thought I was. (But maybe I'm not, I don't really care about people but there's exception) 

I always get upset when people put me aside (which is when I know later about something important or less important about someone who is I care/love a lot), but I was a hypocrite; I acted like it wasn't a big deal. And as the consequences, I acted cold and get tempered so easily. Everyone around me will be affected. Im sorry. 

I always have this narrow mind; people will always leave me and if they didn't tell me anything anymore is a first step to them to disappear from my sights. I have this fear, people leaving without give any alarm they simply just, gone-like-nothing-ever-happen. 

Maybe I was a desperate and pathetic girl who is extremely lonely. I never trust anyone; bcs people always leave. 

But now, I'm glad. Even I became  the second person to know, I feel nothing (indicates to upset angry etc i was before) but glad to know from someone else who's know about it. At least they tell someone else who make them feel more comfortable. 

Idk, I just trying to figure out about myself. It's devastating to know nothing.