Heart vs Brain

Hi.
After I spent a lot time with myself, one thing that I discovered was I made my decisions based on my heart. Just like the song "the heart get what it wants". Heart never care the consequences, heart never think, heart never learn from mistakes, heart always do whatever heart wants including destroying heart's host. As long as heart find one tiny reason even if unacceptable, heart will go for it without doubt.

And of course, I'm the one who suffered. Repeating the same mistakes, giving the chances for the one who dont ever fucking deserved it. But I do, happy for the temporary together. So many plans, but none is done. The imaginations itself do give me some joy, even the slightest. Its a shame that it has to end like this again. I pictured something bigger than this but maybe this is the best for both of us.

My heart still aching and difficult to accept the reality. People changed. I almost feel nothing at all. I forget things including the fact that I have been left for the third times. I just realised how stupid to give chances for you, I thought that you will be worth it. I really need to get away from you,
get away my feelings for you, get away from the thoughts that youre perfect for me. My love for you too hard to be  proven, I gave you everything but still you never appreciate what ive done for you. You throw me away. You throw my love. You throw me when I need you the most, and this is very unforgivable. I need you so bad that night, I cried alone.

Do I ever let you down? If I did, then I am sorry. Me worse showing my expressions, my words are bold, trusting you again consumed so much time till I made you left again. I feel like crying now. Never think that the love is still there, still wanting you to be part of me. But loving someone doesn't mean, I can have you in my arms right?

I need to give up this now. I need to stop giving heart so much power. I need to make a rasionale decisions. Lesson need to be learnt. Actually, all I want is to be just be friend with you. But it doesn't end well, I fall right back into you once you showed the efforts. I guess I need to be more careful and less "kesian".

But last night. I retweeted this "see you tonight in my dream x goodnight". And I did dream of you. You did came in my dream. I woke up with the ache and wonder why you were there. In my dream, you were treated like I wasn't there. But I know, you do see me there. Maybe that is a sign that, you will never come back ever again. Then, maybe this is the best thing because I know if you pleading me again to be yours again, I will, definitely forgive you and giving you a chance that you doesn't appreciate. If you truly love me, the most terrifying thing is losing me. You won't recklessly wasted the chances. You are a liar, I was never your first love that you wanted in your life. Fuck. I am fucked up. Again.

And my worst fear come. The fear of that one change that would effected me for my whole life. The changes that I don't even know I could handle it by myself. Because I am alone, and fucking scared.