how the hell it works?

idk. what i really want in my life. idek what i want to achieve in life and idk what truly is acca and now im fucked up..

but maybe that's just side problem. i mean why do i desire for someone who was pushed me away when i need 'em the most? who the hell did that? like hello i need you now you think i made up this heartbreaks and breakdowns? fuck no. i dont even want to feel it dude. it sucks and horrible feelings. but yet, im still stuck in it.

i really want to crawl out from this mess, but hey im a fucking human who breakdown eventually no matter what i try to contained it. it really sucks when im choosing people to tell about this unbearable mess. yes, i have a lot of people to listen for my problems but man this mess to me is so damn private things. for those who knows, thankyou for listening and advice me i really do appreciate it. but for those who i didnt tell, i am sorry. you are also important to me, but i dont like to talk about it often. it hurts everytime it come to me. who the fuck talks about that like nothing's stabbing your hearts when you talk about it?

and i hate myself for needing someone who wasnt really want to be there for me.
i hate myself for reminding that how that person make me feel safe
i hate myself for being to dependent to that person everything this mess popped
i hate myself for wanting to be saved by him and showed me different way to see this mess
i just hate myself more every day.

maybe, i just dont want to be saved anymore.
this time, i will drown with the thoughts-- i will end up the same way as they are & i will not have a happy ending ever in my life.
after all, my happiness is in my hand. but do i want to be happy?

there was a moment i breakdown and suicide is the most relevant thought in my mind. i can even imagined how i want to cut my wrist and what kind of cut to make me bleed more so i cannot be save. i was so sad, even after i talked about it. and thankyou for being there for me, i will never forget that. you make me believe that wasnt the solution. thankyou so much.

no matter what i do, you always be the one i needed to feel safe.