Fear

There are too many things that I fear. I had too much things on my plate right now. Even the slightest change change scared the hell out of me. I was never feel like this before. I scared that I will lost my friendship. I get jealous for something that doesnt make sense. What the hell that i get jealous for my friends got another friends to be their friends? What the hell that im talking about. 

But i am worried that this one friend of mine had remove me as her friend, or maybe as a good friend too? It feels so weird. I know this is the sign people who wanna leave my side. Either as friend or boyfriend. And for now. I cannot handle any separation in recent moments. Too much. Too much for me. 

I lost someone I love forever. I will lost home, someday. Im losing my mind. I losing myself. I losing too much for now. And I can bear anymore the sadness is too much for me. Im losing too much. And I know, I cant change any of it. Even if, I confront it. I hate losing. I hate my current situations. 

I do know that I am still finding who the hell i am. Because I can be whatever I want. I can be so fucking talkative and I also can be so fucking shy. Im still picking and choosing myself which one i will be forever. But maybe, the choice will choose me. Fuck this.